Q: I was thinking if I should ask this. The confession goes along with it. I started KC 21 years ago, and in spite all mine deficiencies devotees have been very nice to me. After many, many years I finally think that I am getting some taste and for hearing and chanting also. But, I feel that I have hit a wall or a selling. Upon analyzing I have discovered that I still have doubts which are preventing me form getting the real nectar in KC. Upon further analysis, to my horror I have discovered that apparently I am not so happy with the idea that Krsna is controlling everything in my life. And though I have began to enjoy very much his association of devotees and the whole process of KC I am constantly, no matter how hard I try, I am hitting this wall which prevents me from going further, and I would very much like to know why this is so. So Maharaja, please tell us, what is wrong…
A: These are the symptoms of being in 2nd oasis. It is a fact that we have to give up the sense of all proprietorship. At one point we just have to accept that nothing is mine. In CC Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu tells to Sanatana Goswami that even his own body was not his. Caitanya Mahaprabhu said: You have surrendered to me. Therefore your body is My property! We have to gradually come to this point when we say: All right, all Your property! And let go of the tendency to control. To control our own destiny. And to really say: OK Krsna, whatever You want. Because, whether we have that mood or not, it is anyway going to be like that. We can be here and say: well I want it to be like this, I tried to control it this way. But Krsna will anyway do what He wants. So we are all struggling like that. Yesterday at the end I used that analogy of Krsna being in the inner chamber in our heart. And we can think of our heart like a palace with many rooms. And slowly, slowly we open more rooms. And we have to turn all these rooms into temples. But as long as we have any idea- I want this, I want that- that means that we still lock some rooms for Krsna. So that is where the obstacle is. Everyone has some barriers somewhere. Otherwise we will all be ecstatic prema bhaktas rolling on the ground in ecstasy. So, we may be struggling with these limits, we may just all the time bump into the walls that you described. But if we step by step try to surrender more, if we try to accept whatever Krsna wants, still we will have in a more subtle way some personal agenda. But we minimize it more and more.
Like in my case-I was a grihasta, but I did not have kids, it just did not happen. And then at one stage… so what are we going to do now- Grow old together? Hand in hand, bone in bone I thought-what is the point. So I began to develop the desire to take sannyasa. And I remember the ceremony in the Bhaktivedanta Manor, and as I was sitting in the sacrifice I had a moment of doubt. (somebody said Oh)- Not Oh- that is good, doubt is a sign of intelligence, , Kapiladeva says. No, I had a moment of doubt; I was thinking- why am I doing this to myself. I was 44, and I was thinking- it is relatively young, I could have waited 10 more years. - Why do I wanted to do this now? Is it personal ambition or is it really the desire to serve Krsna? Anyway, I was sitting in the sacrifice- so I just carried on with it. What do you do? And then after I did take sannyasa some TV crew came and they immediately put the microphone under my nose and said: Do you feel any different? And I said: If you would ask that question to a man who just got married, what would he say? He would say. Yes, I feel different now because I feet the weight of the responsibility. So, I felt the weight of the responsibility that and there. So, this is the way that we are gradually trying to increase our commitment. First we make an external commitment and then in order to survive that commitment you have to fill it in. when I was sannyasi and walk around with these heavy wows- such a heavy wow; not to enjoy in this world, no sense gratification at all. It is quite strict. So, than I could see: I will never survive this unless I really fill it in with some genuine attraction to Krsna. If we want to break out of stagnated situation than we must make a commitment that is greater than where we are now- does not have to be sannyasa- but the commitment in the service to Krsna. And that commitment in service to Krsna will force us to also m
ake greater internal commitment. And then again we find a wall there also, and again we must make a fresh commitment even greater, and then again that we force us to internally grow. It is in this way that we are increasing our surrender to Krsna. Not so much by mental or intellectual adjustment- we cannot do it, we are just not strong enough- but if we make a commitment that will force us. If we take a responsibility, that what are you going to do? Responsibility will force us.So, when there is stagnation make more commitment in the service of Krsna. And it can be in different directions; can be in sadhana; can be in practical service; can be in asram… it depends on our individual situation. And then in the end; even if at the end of our life if there are still such walls- we still haven’t fully become perfect- but then there is this hope it is called asa bandha. Asa bandha is translated as “hope against hope” which is an English expression and in Serbian it doesn’t not make sense if you translate it literary, that is why our translator is shaking his head. But it basically means that even if there is no reason to have hope-you still have hope. Because- we have no reason to think that we will be successful that we will go back to Godhead; that we will get Krsna prema, because we haven’t surrendered enough. You know it and I know it about ourselves. We know it about ourselves. But hope against hope that we may still get the mercy of Lord Caitanya. Because if He sees that we are really trying, He is very generous. So, this is the crux, we have to really try, and if Lord Caitanya sees that we are really trying, than He will give it, if He wants to. But, He is very generous. So that is my meditation, that is why I took sannyasa-risky business. It is very high. Still I hope that Lord Caitanya at the end of my life will say: Well he tried. Everyone else will say: He did not do very well, it was not very impressive. Maybe it will be better for him to do it one more time. But of course someone will also say: this is one of Prabhupad’s men. So I also want to be a Prabhupada man. I think that if you really try to be a Prabhupada man, well… Prabhupada has prayed to Krsna that we can go back to Godhead. So I try to serve Prabhupada and I hope that that will also help.
Do you know that story about the horse race? And the horse race is getting ready, ladies and gentlemen. And all the horses are lined up. Pugh! Start sign and all are running. And it is the material desire that takes the lead! Envy and greed are close behind. And they are storming down the tracks, storming down the tracks… and it really look like that material desire is going to win the race. Nr one, material desire is in the lead…in the lead! But then- look! Look! Look! From behind, from the left field, there it is- Prabhupad’s mercy, Prabhupad’s mercy coming down the side!!! And yes, yes, yes! Prabhupad’s mercy is moving on. Prabhupad’s mercy is, I tell you ladies and gentlemen: Prabhupad’s mercy is going to finish the race!!!
Somehow or other hang in there!
Serbian summercamp July 2009, given by HH Kadamba Kanana Swami
